The past month and half have been an interesting one for my family. We discovered that my mother has cancer. Cancer in the lungs, pancreas, liver, and spine. This past Tuesday she was informed that the doctors figure she has about a month to live. This has been a very tumultuous time for me emotionally. I pray for my whole family to find peace in this situation. Her husband is taking great care of her, he is doing an amazing job keeping her comfortable.
I was there this past week and we said our goodbyes. How do you say goodbye to your mother? How do you put into words that you have accepted what has happened and you will miss her, but you are not afraid? How do you make that last hug linger long enough to be with you for the rest of your life? These were all questions lingering in my mind as I gathered my suitcase last Friday morning to leave my mom's house. I cried, I tried not to; but I did cry. Most of my visit she was too tired to talk, and this morning she sat up to say goodbye. She couldn't stand as she is too weak.
Before I finish how I said goodbye, I want to share the rest of my visit. My visit consisted of watching her sleep and getting short sentences every now and then from her. I would use her bed to sit her up so she could take her medicine and try to eat. I fed her watermelon, but after a few small pieces she was done eating. We would laugh, and I would get on her for taking her oxygen out. Most of the time she slept. She would fall asleep while trying to take her pills. It was rather comical and my children laughed through their tears as I told them the story of Grandma falling asleep with a pill and a cup of Kool-Aid in her hand. I was relieved that she was able to sleep, that means she is comfortable. I was hoping that she was not in pain, and she told me she wasn't. She takes her pain meds every 2 hours, so that helps. She will remember something and just giggle to herself. It was an acceptable situation for the given situation.
For a brief moment, I almost questioned why this happening. I quickly stopped myself. Those why questions will lead me down a path that could make me question my faith. I don't want to question my faith right now. My faith tells me that my mother will be in heaven with the father and the son. My faith tells me that I will see her again, pain and cancer free. My faith tells me that despite my mother not being very religious, God is a loving God and my mother will be in heaven. Yes it is sad that she will no longer be on earth. It is sad that she will not physically get to see her grandchildren graduate High School and get married. It is sad that she will not physically get to see her niece get married this fall. It is sad that her family will not physically get to give her a hug again.
Scripture comforts us during this time. The prophet Isaiah tells us in Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." This tells us to not be afraid of death or anything, that God is with us during this time. My mom is not scared, I know because I asked her. She just thinks it "sucks" that she has to die this soon. I am worried about comforting my children and my sister after my mother dies. I am drawn toward scripture again. In Paul's letters to the Corinthians, he addressed pain and how to use it. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 reads, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." I am reassured that because I have found peace in this situation, I will be able to help others find peace.
So now I go back to Friday morning. She was awake and somewhat alert. I was glad for that because I wanted her to remember that I was there. (Her memory is having issues, she isn't remembering that people have visited her.) She told me to not be afraid, I assured her that I wasn't and I was just sad. She sat up and prayed with me. I prayed for her to be comfortable, to feel loved, and to have peace. (What are you supposed to pray when you know she is going to die?) I thanked the Lord for the gift of my mother, she did help to shape me to who I am today. She continued to add to the prayer, thanking God for me. My husband, Chad, leans down to give her a hug and she tells him to take care of me. He assures her that he will. At this point the tears are just running down my face, and she decides to start singing, "We love you Jenny, oh yes we do, we love you Jenny, oh yes we do. We love you Jenny, oh yes we do. Jenny we love you." I help her take her medicine one more time, then lay her back down, give her a kiss from each of the grandchildren, and then I walk away. Tears running down my face, I walk hand in hand with my husband to my car and pull out of her driveway to return home.
The sun was shining bright that morning, I felt as if the weather needed to reflect my mood, but it didn't. It is almost as if the sun was trying to reassure me that everything will be alright. I feel as if I have said enough to say Goodbye, but I wish I didn't have to. I do not have much experience with death, so I do not know if it is easier to say goodbye before they die or if saying goodbye through prayer and funerals is easier. I just know that I said Goodbye to my mom. I reassured her that I would be okay and that she is loved. I hope that is enough for her and that she feels loved.
Dueces,
Jennifer
