It Will Be Okay

Someone I love is hurting.  Recent events have left her sad and feeling alone.  I live 6 hours away, so physically seeing her is tough.  April 14th forever changed her life, as it forever changed mine.  That is the day my mother died.

I had the amazing opportunity to preach in church on April 26.  It was Confirmation Sunday, and I decided to preach on Philippians 4:4-8.  "Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understand, will guard your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."

I had lost my mother nine days before preaching, so I had decided to preach about that.  My husband was a little worried that testifying about the death of my mother on Confirmation Sunday wasn't going to work, but I gave it a shot anyways.

I am 34 and my mother is dead.  She died of cancer at age 57.  She was diagnosed February 28 and died April 14th.  I know that I am not the youngest person to lose a parent, or am I the only person to ever lose a parent.  I am not writing today for sympathy, nor did I preach about it for sympathy.  I decided to preach about it to give a lesson. 

Paul (who wrote this verse while in jail)  was right!  After my mom died I gave over the anxiety, worry, and sadness to God.  I asked for peace and for my family to accept what had happened.  I received peace, it was peace that I could not explain.  I am an emotional person.  I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  I can cry at commercials.  I should be an emotional wreck after losing my mother, but I am at peace.  It goes beyond anything I can understand or try to comprehend.  I am truly okay, and I cherish the memories I have.

Now, someone who I love so much is hurting over this.  I do not have the right words to help her.  I continue to tell her that I love her and miss her and that everything will be okay.  She does not see that right now.  She sees the missed opportunities to visit mom, she remembers stupid fights she had with her, she misses phone calls about work stuff. 

I know that she is grieving in her own way.  I know that she will be okay one day also.  I write this hoping that she will read it and know how much I love her.  That she will be comforted by what has comforted me.  I want her to know that one day the pain will be replaced with happy memories and that one day she will see mom again.  I want her to know that I am here for her.  I want people to say a little prayer asking God to help her through this.  This person I care for so much is an awesome person who has accomplished so much in her life.  I am proud that she is related me and pray for her to be okay.

Dueces

Jennifer

Saying Goodbye

The past month and half have been an interesting one for my family.  We discovered that my mother has cancer.  Cancer in the lungs, pancreas, liver, and spine.  This past Tuesday she was informed that the doctors figure she has about a month to live.  This has been a very tumultuous time for me emotionally.  I pray for my whole family to find peace in this situation.  Her husband is taking great care of her, he is doing an amazing job keeping her comfortable. 

I was there this past week and we said our goodbyes.  How do you say goodbye to your mother?  How do you put into words that you have accepted what has happened and you will miss her, but you are not afraid?  How do you make that last hug linger long enough to be with you for the rest of your life?  These were all questions lingering in my mind as I gathered my suitcase last Friday morning to leave my mom's house.  I cried, I tried not to; but I did cry.  Most of my visit she was too tired to talk, and this morning she sat up to say goodbye.  She couldn't stand as she is too weak. 

Before I finish how I said goodbye, I want to share the rest of my visit.  My visit consisted of watching her sleep and getting short sentences every now and then from her.  I would use her bed to sit her up so she could take her medicine and try to eat.  I fed her watermelon, but after a few small pieces she was done eating.  We would laugh, and I would get on her for taking her oxygen out.  Most of the time she slept.  She would fall asleep while trying to take her pills.  It was rather comical and my children laughed through their tears as I told them the story of Grandma falling asleep with a pill and a cup of Kool-Aid in her hand.  I was relieved that she was able to sleep, that means she is comfortable.  I was hoping that she was not in pain, and she told me she wasn't.  She takes her pain meds every 2 hours, so that helps.  She will remember something and just giggle to herself.  It was an acceptable situation for the given situation.

For a brief moment, I almost questioned why this happening.  I quickly stopped myself.  Those why questions will lead me down a path that could make me question my faith.  I don't want to question my faith right now.  My faith tells me that my mother will be in heaven with the father and the son.  My faith tells me that I will see her again, pain and cancer free.  My faith tells me that despite my mother not being very religious, God is a loving God and my mother will be in heaven.  Yes it is sad that she will no longer be on earth.  It is sad that she will not physically get to see her grandchildren graduate High School and get married.  It is sad that she will not physically get to see her niece get married this fall.  It is sad that her family will not physically get to give her a hug again.

Scripture comforts us during this time.  The prophet Isaiah tells us in Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  This tells us to not be afraid of death or anything, that God is with us during this time.  My mom is not scared, I know because I asked her.  She just thinks it "sucks" that she has to die this soon.  I am worried about comforting my children and my sister after my mother dies.  I am drawn toward scripture again.  In Paul's letters to the Corinthians, he addressed pain and how to use it.  2 Corinthians 1:3-4 reads, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."  I am reassured that because I have found peace in this situation, I will be able to help others find peace.

So now I go back to Friday morning.  She was awake and somewhat alert.  I was glad for that because I wanted her to remember that I was there. (Her memory is having issues, she isn't remembering that people have visited her.)  She told me to not be afraid, I assured her that I wasn't and I was just sad.  She sat up and prayed with me.  I prayed for her to be comfortable, to feel loved, and to have peace. (What are you supposed to pray when you know she is going to die?)  I thanked the Lord for the gift of my mother, she did help to shape me to who I am today.  She continued to add to the prayer, thanking God for me.  My husband, Chad, leans down to give her a hug and she tells him to take care of me.  He assures her that he will.  At this point the tears are just running down my face, and she decides to start singing, "We love you Jenny, oh yes we do, we love you Jenny, oh yes we do.  We love you Jenny, oh yes we do.  Jenny we love you."  I help her take her medicine one more time, then lay her back down, give her a kiss from each of the grandchildren, and then I walk away.  Tears running down my face, I walk hand in hand with my husband to my car and pull out of her driveway to return home.

The sun was shining bright that morning, I felt as if the weather needed to reflect my mood, but it didn't.  It is almost as if the sun was trying to reassure me that everything will be alright.  I feel as if I have said enough to say Goodbye, but I wish I didn't have to.  I do not have much experience with death, so I do not know if it is easier to say goodbye before they die or if saying goodbye through prayer and funerals is easier.  I just know that I said Goodbye to my mom.  I reassured her that I would be okay and that she is loved.  I hope that is enough for her and that she feels loved.

Dueces,
Jennifer

Cold Winter Blues

I have tried to stay inside most of today.  It is a really windy day outside.  There was a very windy day earlier this week, and on that day I had to go to work.  So today I have just tried to stay home.  I have seen the sun go behind clouds to come back out again.  When the sun is out, it is very deceiving.  The bright sunshine convinces us that it is warm outside.  Only when you step outside do you realize that the sun is lying to you.  I have noticed that in the last three hours, the temperature has dropped ten degrees.  I know that this type of weather is typical here in Nebraska.  One day you can wear shorts and the next you need your parka, but that still doesn't change the deception of the sun.  Looking outside of my window, the sun currently looks so inviting.  I almost want to go outside and read a book in the sun.

Of course I would not go outside to read right now, I know that it is cold outside despite what the sun is trying to tell me.  Despite the almost clear sky and warmness of the sun through my window, I know that it is cold outside.  My kids do not realize that the sun lies yet.  There are some days that my seven year old will think he can wear shorts because the sun is shining and it looks warm. 

Life is a lot like the weather today.  There are many things in life that try to deceive us.  There are many things that try to convince us to do things that we may not normally do.  People, advertisements, the sun, and even animals all try to get us to do things.  Animals have a special type of deceitfulness: cuteness.  This makes people really bend over backwards to do things that the animal wants.  Advertisements deceive us into believing that we need a certain product or to watch a certain movie.  Deceit and lying are everywhere in our world today. 

People try to deceive other people all the time.  There are so many forms of deceit.  There is deceit that takes the form of manipulation, there is deceit that is just to be mean.  I have experienced both types of deceit, not only on the receiving end but also on the giving side.  I am not proud that I have I have deceived others in my past, but I am able to admit my mistakes today.

The bible addresses deceit and lying.  There was lots of deceit that happened in the bible.  If you look at the story of Samson and his powerful hair.  His wife kept trying to deceive him.  See Delilah had teamed up with Samson's enemies to take down Samson.  Samson finally gave in and told the secret to his power, which Delilah then used against him.  She kept telling Samson that if he loved her, he would tell her the secret to his strength.  He finally caved and told her.  She then deceived Samson.  That is only one illustration of many that demonstrates deceit throughout the bible.

If one were to read the book of Proverbs, there would be a continous warning about being deceitful.  Proverbs 12:20 reads, "Deceit is in the hearts of those who plot evil, but those who promote peace have joy."  Proverbs 24:28 reads, "Be not a witness against your neighbor without cause, and do not deceive with your lips."  Proverbs 12:17 says, "Whoever speaks the truth gives honest evidence, but a false witness utters deceit."  Proverbs 11:18 says, "The wicked earns deceptive wages, but one who sows righteousness gets a sure reward."

Get the picture yet?  Proverbs has many more verses that deal with deceit.  So does the rest of the bible.  If you were to google "deceit bible verses" you would get a large result.  Basically it comes down to that the Lord does not want us to be deceiving.  The Lord wants us to be honest and trustworthy.  He wants us to be able to walk uprightly without guilt or shame for what we have done to our neighbor or our friends.

I will admit that it is hard to walk uprightly at all times.  It is very easy to tell a little lie, while you think you are protecting someone or something.  That is not what the Lord wants, He wants us to tell the truth.  He wants us to not try to start drama among friends.  He wants us to do the right thing.  So the next time you think you need to say or do something that is aimed at making you look better, ask yourself 'Is this going to tear down someone else?  Are my actions going to be the reason someone gets hurt?  Are my actions for the right reasons?'  If you cannot answer those questions with answers that please God, maybe you need to rethink your actions.

A good rule of thumb before you start talking about people, always ask yourself 'Is this something that I would want said about me?'  If the answer is no, then maybe you need to keep it to yourself.

Always remember that God loves you and forgives you, you can live the life he wants you to live.

Also always remember it is not as warm as it looks outside!

God Bless!

Dueces
~Jennifer